The Great Escape
by Weebl
Summary: The aftermath of Conkers Bad Fur Day(Ch3 is Up)
1. The Beginning

Before I begin I must tell you that this fan fiction is intended  
For mature readers just like the game is, also if you see any  
Curse words like Fuck, Shit or anything like that please  
Use your imagination to imagine that a bleeping sound  
Comes into place at that time because we all know  
It's much more funny if a bleeping sound  
Does come into place than  
Just the actual curse word  
So without further adieu I present  
"The Great Escape"  
  
Prologue  
  
As we all know Conker lost the love of his life and his "freedom" by having Berri killed And becoming king, which basically means he can't do the things he loved to do...get tanked. So now our hero Conker is still sitting on the throne thinking...thinking.... thinking.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Conker took a sip of his milk; though he would rather enjoy an ice-cold beer at the moment...he tapped the armrest looking rather pissed. He looked down upon his "Knights" A patched up rat, a paint-bucket and its buddy. Some cogs, his guards, his buddy Rodent. A nasty sent went up to his nose, and he made a face as if he rubbed some Lemons on his face. He looked forward to see that the Aliens head was still on the floor And rotting, he looked at the plump guard "Hey, you! Fat guard!" said Conker the guard Turned around, it seemed a year passed by as he did. "Yes. .My king?" "Go get rid of that Aliens head" The guard looked to it and shuddered "Oh...err...I can't do that" "Why not?" asked Conker "Because.... It stinks" "Yeah.so?" "Why don't you get it?" said the Weasel "Because I'm the king, and I order you to do it!" "Oh...ok" The guard put down His staff and pulled up his pants; he walked over to the head, taking his sweet sweet time. He bent over and tried to pick it up, he grunted as if he was trying to take a rather large Shit, then he did, a large batch of shit stained his pants. Conker and the rest of his "Knights" looked away. "Fucking help me!" Yelled the plump guard, nobody else was willing too then the tall/skinny guard looked up to Conker, Conker made a gesture with His head to go help him. The tall guard shook its head and put down his staff "Fat ass." he said below his breath. He walked over to the head and helped picked it up, they were successful and so the walked out the door to go throw it out. Now was his chance. He looked around and found everybody was too busy to see his sneak out. He quickly but quietly hopped out of his throne and onto the floor, he started his seemingly long way to the doors then a voice came from behind him "Where the fuck you think yer goin'?" Conker turned around to see the paint bucket "Oh...I was just going to...eh...to go get a beer" "Why? We got a cellar full of whine" "Yeah I know, but I want beer" Then the paint brush came next to the paint bucket "Yeah he wants a beer" "Oh, so now your repeating him eh?" Said the paint bucket "I...Eh..I...Umm.." The brush was at a loss of words....Then the bucket looked back to Conker, only the was no Conker. "Its all your fucking fault! Fucking fucker!" Said the bucket to the brush...Meanwhile, if it is that. Conker was on the other side of the large doors, he thought to himself "Finally...I'm out" He checked his pockets to see what time it was 5:11PM, he then heard some footsteps approaching from ahead of him, it was the two guards, our hero quickly looked for a hiding place and seen a pedestal. He ran behind it, keeping his tail still. He could still see the gaurds from the corner of his eye though, and as they were about to push open the doors they looked his way the plump guard said "Hey...did you see that?" "See what?" replied the skinny guard, trying to take out some black material out of his teeth with a toothpick. The plump guard started to walk his direction and he was right next to him, but only looking straight, then he turned around going back towards the door. "What did you see?" Said the skinny weasel. "Oh, it was just some air.." they both walked into the throne room. Conker let out a breath of relive ness and walked down the hallway. He found himself outside the castle and at the broken bridge. He took off his crown and threw it on the floor, taking a leak on it. He zipped up his flyer and began to walk forward then something popped out of the ground in front of him. He fell back, landing on his buttocks he looked up to see no other than the scarecrow. "Hello...Its me again" Said the scarecrow hiccupping a bit, "Oh great" Said Conker standing up "What do you want?" said Conker, "Well I sorry...(burp)..but I can't let you pass" "Well...ill give you some money to let me pass" "Deal" He checked his pockets to find $99 and handed it to the scarecrow, It looked down at the money and back to Conker. "What?" said Conker "Well, you usually give me $100" "So?" "I need one more dollar" "Oh come now! Its only one dollar can't you let it slide?" "Ummm.... Ok but you owe me one" The scarecrow slid off towards the broken bridge and fell off...Conker shook his head in shame. 


	2. Grim Floor

Chapter 2  
  
Conker had to walk on the rope of the bridge because, there was no bridge. He hopped on the rope looking quite nervous and tried to shift his weight to keep his balance. Slowly but steadily he was making it across the bridge, then he walked too quickly and fell off, Conker screamed as he did he fell flat on his back and mud spew in all directions. He sat up and picked up his tail "Your useless!" then he threw it down. It wasn't really a problem he could always take the ladder so he searched for it at its regular place but it was not there. "Great..!" Then he slapped his forehead and said "Of course!" He crouched then jumped and used his whirly..helicopter tail thing...Anyway he couldn't make it the ledge was too far up. He then tapped his head then the ground started to rumble, our hero turned around and a puff of black smoke came in front of him, then a figure jumped down from the ledge and ran to where the smoke appeared. Conker rolled his eyes too see Gregg, his hands were on his knees and he was panting quite fast, he put up a finger and Conker waited patiently, "I don't friggin get it, I don't even have any lungs..." Said Gregg "Very dramatic entrance" said Conker ....sarcastic of course. "Oh shut up you little prick, anyway I see your in a predicament you can't get up this ledge eh?" "No.." "Well I can teach you a new trick, have you ever played that game Mario 64?" "Well, yeah but I couldn't figure out how to get into the castle" "Uh...Huh...Ok well have you played Ninja Gaiden?" "No.." "Why the hell am I telling clues for! There's a trick called a wall jump, and its basically self explanatory." "I see, well...thanks" "Whatever prick." Gregg turned around and disappeared magically. Conker turned around jumped on a wall, then kept doing this and ended up on the surface, he made a victory pose ( Please applaud now ) As he did something caught his eye. It was a pack of ones forming up to be $100 our hero ran to it and smashed it with his loyal Frying Pan. Then he smiled bearing his white teeth and his eyes rolling to "$" Signs. "Ok bitch, pick me up then" Conker did so and placed it in his pocket "Oh yeah, mine for the taking" Then our hero ignored all the signs saying "Feck off" and things like that and headed to the small opening and a rank smell filled his nose... 


	3. Spewie

Our hero went inside the hole in the wall and found himself in the area filled with a rank smell. Of course it would have to be smelly, it was poop world. Conker shook his head and tried to take the smell out his nose but it didn't work...I mean it was shit. Something about this place seemed different, the place were the great mighty poo was..the mountain of poo was now gone. Nothing was there, in fact the whole area melted. It was now doo doo water...Conker stepped close to the bridge and looked down into the large lake of poo water, "Hm, how am I going to get out of here.." Just then something splashed up from the water and conker fell on his ass. He stood up and looked over a bridge and it was a dolphin. If you call it that, its eye was larger than the other one, it had stiches going down from the tip of its nose all the way down to its flipper. "G'day mate!" The dolphin said. Conker had a hard time breathing he could tell the dolphin liked the water. "Er..How ya doin'?" "Oh I'm just dandy, dandy!" The dolphin then rubbed itself with the doo doo water. Conker hurled. "So, yeh be needin' a way to get down dere?" He dolphin pointed to the large hole where poo mountain used to be. "Um...Now that you mention it..I think I do. Probobaly..yeah." The dolphin grinned chuckled "Well its gonna cost ya" Conker sighed, why is it that he always had to do something to make other people help him. "Okay...What do I have to do" The dolphin looked up and said "Well...You see I lost my teddy." "Teddy?" "Yeh me teddy, Over next to the windmill, yeh see I was swimming along mindin' me own business and then WAPOW! Next thing I knew a giant jelly bean hit my underside and my teddy flew up to the top of the windmill and I miss my teddy so" Conker blinked and said "Well...You see the windmill blew up and..most likely you teddy might have been sent somewere elese" The dolphin cocked a brow and looked toward the windmill "Wa--Oh fuck.." The dolphin started to wail and cry, Conker sighed and said "Calm down Ill find it somehow.." "Oh you will!? Oh thank you!" The dolphin jumped up and landed on conker spreading its poo smeared body all over his clothing. Conker pushed him back into the lake "Oh by the way, the names spewie!" "Yeah..Conker" "Pleased to meet cha'" Conker then looked around "Well hop on, ill give you a lift to...wereever your going" Conker jumped and landed on its back. "Okay were to?" Conker looked around and pointed towards the area were the jaws dog used to be. The dolphin jetted towards that area and stopped, conker flew over towards the peice of land and fell flat on his face. "Sorry bout' that, I have problems stopping.." Conker stood up and got that dirt of his shoulder "Yeah..whatever" He turned around and seen the bridge was newly built but very badly. He took a step on it and heard a creek, he turned around to the grinning spewie..he looked back forward and kept walking. Then a loud siren caught his ears and a voice came over a large intercom "The king has escaped! All personel find him and kill him!!!....Er..I mean. Bring him back, that is all" Conker turned back around and ran towards spewie, "Damn! I need to get somewere were nobody can find me!" "Hm why mate?" "Because I'm the king!" Spewie looked in the state of shock "Y-Your the king? Oh my mate...Well fuck that teddy Ill take you werever you want..Your majesty" Conker quickly jumped on spewies back and told him to go into the hole were the poo mountain used to be. Spewie jetted into the hole and conker held on tightly, he held his breath as he was diveing in poo water and opened one eye, they were in a tunnel and going down quite far. Then he seen a light, a big light at the end of the tunnel and it got closer..and closer..and closer.. 


	4. Red Forest

At this point the light got so close that it blinded our hero, He then found himself within the air, he was seemingly falling from a hole in the sky. His grip of spewie fell off and he flew onto the ground, with a thump he landed right on his chest. He put his hands on the floor and pushed himself up, he then already noticed he was in a forest....trees everywere but there seemed to be a path and such. He looked around and couldn't find speiwie. He yelled his name while putting his hands in a cup like shape around his mouth, he then heard a cough behind him. He turned around and walked towards it, he pushed the bushes aside and what he seen made his ears fall down. Spewie was on his back and very bloody, alot of needle sized holes within his body. Blood came out his mouth as he coughed, "Spewie, what happened?" He couged agian, "Arg...It was a hard fall for me, and why teh hell did I hafta fall on a bush like this.." Conker looked down at the bush and it had lots of thorns, he squinted. "Before I go..." He coughed much blood this time "This place...Is more than..a forest...It is A...Base" Conker looked puzzled "Find it...Find headquarters and...Arg..." His eyes closed and conker looked down with a crestfallen face on him "ARG! Wait, I'm not dead yet...I need to tell you something.." "Why did you pretend to be dead then?" "To make things more dramatic...Anyways...Go into the headquarters...and theres a time machine...you can stop the killing of berri..arg" "Hey, how did you know that berri died?" "Its a game/fan fiction, idiot" Conker rolled his eyes, "Now its very easy you see ARG" Spewie closed his eyes and died, Conker poked him and blood sprayed out the holes. "Come now, your not dead are you..?" He poked him agian, Instantly spewie's body fell apart. Conker stood there for a second and just left. "Geuss he was dead"  
  
For a long time conker was lost and didn't find his way....well, he didn't find his way anywere. "Damn, how am I going to get out of here?" Then conker heard his step didn't sound like the sound of stepping on grass, sounded like something hollow. He looked down and it was context sensitive botton things. A light bulmb appeared above his head and so you pressed B. Then conker took out a black bandana and placed it around his head and it was blocking his eyes a bit. He then somehow put on clothing to suit his background, green. He grinned and found in his inventory a blade and a gun, he ducked low and started to walk on the grass towards god knows were. An arrow appeard over his head and he followed it. Then within his eyesight he seen a weasel with a automatic rifle and walking randomly around the area. Conker went down to his chest and thank god there was rather tall grass around him and he slowly crawled towards the weasel. Its back was towards him, our hero took out a blade and as quick as the wind cut the weasel's feet clean off. It fell down screaming, conker stood up and drove his blade onto the back of its head, blood sprayed at his chest. He pulled the blade out and put it in his holister. He contined to walk.   
  
After a while of walking a snake fell down infront of him, conker went in defense position. The snake hissed, so did conker. The snake suddenly jumped on the tip of its tail and jumped at conker opening its mouth. Conker knew the right time to grab it, and when it was close enough he did. He grabbed it within 1 inch infront of his face. It hissed madly and conker put his thumb on the bottom of its mouth and slowly pushed. The snake hissed madly and then a horrible snapping sound came into place, and the snakes limp head limped down. Conker girnned "Damn I'm so cool" He looked around and found a stump, he sat on it and took out his blade. He cut it from its mouth down to its tail, he then took a bite of its insides, he spit out the bone and ate the meat. He contined this and then stood up and spit out another bone he then looked up and gave a victory yell. He threw the snake down and contined his path, silently.  
  
Conker found himself climbing trees and looking down at the weasel's. There was a group of five and he needed to think of a silent way to kill each one of them, he seen a vine rather close to him. He made a loop and a knot and waited for the last weasel to come by, he slowly put it down and while it was busy looking at a log with a snake in it he hanged him. He pulled him up and tied him within a tree branch. He looked behind him to the rest of the 4 and jumped branches to get closer. He found a loose peice of bark and threw it at a patch of large grass. The leader of the pack told one of them to go check it out, conker took out his gun with its amazeing lazer sighting and took a shot of it head, it fell down and soaked the grass red. The other weasels looked up at were he was and started to shoot aimlessly, he hid behind the tree and waited for them to stop. They did and contined on, he followed then silently within the tree tops. He looked down at one of the weasels and aimed his gun down at the head of one of the weasels, he shot and it fell down, our hero then jumped from the tree and with his metal heel boots, fell on the other weasel looking up at him. Blood sprayed up his leg, he found a rifle pointing right at him, the last weasel smiled and said "End of the line squriell!" Conker grinned and jumped, the weasel shot and missed. Conker landed on his gun and tore it off his arms, he quickly did a back flip, grabbing the gun within the process and aiming it at him. The weasel raised his hands and started to shudder, "Where is the headquarters?" Conker asked "3 miles east of here please don't kill me!" Conker grinned and shot upwards. The weasel looked at him puzzled, then a bee hive fell infront of him and pissed bees came out and chased the weasel away.  
  
Conker walked where the weasel told him to go and suddenly felt his left wrap up and he found himself upside down. He sighed and took out his blade, he cut the rope and fell down, right through the floor. He landed hard on a black floor. He shook his head and looked around, he was in a cell. He stood up and heard something come from the corner, sounded like a pail actually. Then he came within view "Well well well! Looks like the fucking king is here!" It was the paint bucket. 


	5. Pure Evil

_Later in this chapter you might notice some horrible, horrible, Dutch language. Sorry if its bad for all of you who are Dutch but I used a crappy translating device so bear with me._

The paint pot laughed for quite some time.

"Anytime now. . ." Said Conker.

The paint pot continued to laugh spraying the red paint everywhere. Then the paintbrush hopped by and laughed along with it. The paint pot stopped laughing and started to rumble as the paintbrush laughed. The paint pot then screamed.

"Damn it! Stupid ass fucker head why the fuck do you keep fucking fucking with me? You always fucking repeat whatever the hell I fucking do you fucking paint fucking brush!"

The paint pot then screamed and exploded. The paintbrush the stared at the remains of the pot and then exploded himself. For some reason they both had bones and blood. Some blood was around him and Conker had and idea. He took the blood and smeared it on himself them splashed some on the floor and laid on it. Some time later a weasel guard came by and looked at Conker then opened the gate to dispose of him. Conker then tripped the weasel with his tail and jumped then slammed his foot on its head, crushing it. He took the weasels deadly butter knife and took it with him to wherever the hell he was going; he went to the only exit and put his hand on the knob. He instantly got electrocuted and fainted.

Conker woke up in an entirely different setting…OR SO HE THOUGHT! The area was not really an area, he looked out the bars and he knew that he was flying, and being sent somewhere else. He took out the butter knife and sighed, he started to cut the bars.

Meanwhile 

It laughed, a laugh that would make anyone burst out into laughed and probably piss their pants in the process. It rubbed his hands together and grinned, although it hurt because it's mouth was sown shut. His new invention would make it the most unstoppable thing in the entire history of forever. It would also stop that fucking piece of shit red squirrel. The door opened letting light shine through, it then hissed and covered its eyes.

"Sir! I am dreadfully sorry for interrupting whatever you were doing but…. uh…. There's no more toilet paper rolls in the bathroom so I used your hankie to wipe my ass."

The weasel then instantly desinagrated. It then smirked slightly and laughed again, which sounded like a small muffle.

Back to our hero 

Conker was sleeping, leaning on the bar and still cutting it. It then cut and then he fell out the cell and down, down, down, down, down. As he fell he was dreaming about the time he went home and seen Berri in that cute see through thong and in the bedroom with the candles and then the next morning he found out he was drunk and just fucked a rather large chipmunk that had an STD. He woke up from the pain of landing on some hay. He shook his head and stood up, he got rid of his attire that made him stick out like a Michael Jackson in a strip club. He looked around and apparently he was in a small town of some sort. He seen a house and decided to ask questions about where he was and how the hell he was going to get home, that's the only thing he wanted to do go home and sleep and think about Berri. He knocked on the door and the door just fell down, he showed himself in.

"Hello?"

He stepped over the door and wandered around.

"Anyone home?"

He then noticed a squirrel in front of a fireplace putting a bag into the fire.

"Excuse me can you tells me where I am? I think I'm kinda' lost. . . actually I know I'm lost.."

The squirrel turned around and shown his face, it had a lot of facial hair and its buck teeth were sticking out more than normal, you could land a plane on those theeth. Conker tried his best not to laugh.

"Wat neukt het? Wat de hel u is die hier slechts doet lopend in zoals uw een kleresmeris! Krijgend het neukt uit u hoer!"

Conker scratched his ear and tried to translate what he said, but he knew he heard the world fuck a few times if his Dutch was correct. The squirrel then went to go pick up something, Conker wasan't paying attention as he was trying to remember his Dutch. Then the squirrel tried to slash our hero and he did. He didn't really slash him though he hit him with something. Conker fell down and shook his head, he looked up and the squirrel was holding a rather long vibrator. It was wet and ranked of shit, it was then that Conker noticed that it had no pants on. He stood up and backed up a bit, he looked at the table and he picked up the only weapon he had, a rubber dildo. He ran up to the squirrel and hit its head, it got knocked down and he kept hitting the dildo on it. It wouldn't stop getting up. Conker noticed the fireplace again so he lured it towards it and pushed it into it. It screamed in agonizing pain and fury. Conker waited until it stopped…but it wouldn't It would keep on screaming. He looked down and seen a context sensitive mark. Then out of his pocket he got out some dynamite.

"Hmm, convenient"

Conker lit it with the fire and ran out of the house. Kapow. It exploded, soon enough he would regret this to its fullest extent. He heard a sound, the sound of a chainsaw revving up. He turned around and a squirrel with an XBox box over its head ran toward him with a chainsaw.


End file.
